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I know, I know...

I know...

I am a bad blogger as of lately!  Am I allowed to blame the kids? The Summer? Let's be real...I am just lazy!  My goal is to get back on track.  Will it happen?  I honestly don't know, but the least I can do is try, right?

I know...

I have let the weight loss get derailed.  That I can only blame on myself!  I have gotten back on track, and only 10-12 pounds to go until I reach my goal weight.  I know it will take some time, and I know there will be setbacks, but I am determined to get there!

I know...

I am happy right now.  I am having a great summer, made some great memories, and reconnected with some old friends in a way I never thought I would be able to.  I have made some wonderful new friends, so despite my setbacks on my goals, me being happy is all worth it!

My Life...Well, As of Right Now

A lot has been going on in my life.  I have not blogged for some time now, and I ask myself, well, why haven't you been?  I think most likely lazy, or no inspiration.  Which are two pretty pathetic reasons.  I have two beautiful inspirations with me everyday!

Let's see...

Abby turned one in April.  She didn't cry when we sang to her, she ate all of her cake (surprise, surprise), and she actually opened up some of her gifts.  I point these three things out, because Aiden was the opposite of Abby.  It was a Ladybug theme, and we celebrated with friends and family.

I reconnected with an old friend.  The best thing I could have done.  I don't feel so alone in life anymore.  She is my other half.  Ironically we share the same birthday and some would say we share the same brain.  I am just a few years older than her. 

I think the biggest thing in my life is that I have moved on from the past in a way I never thought I would.  I realized I was holding on to something that I didn't even want, it was just what I knew.  I am actually happy and content. 

Aiden finished his first year of school a week ago.  He started out at one school, but moved into another school when he turned three.  His new school offered his therapies, and could deal with Autistic kids.  I really liked him going there, and he even is going to ride the bus to school next year!  That boy surprises me everyday!

Abby is into everything!  She is pulling up onto things and cruising along furniture.  No independent standing yet, but let's hope soon!  She is a bit delayed, but still within the normal range.  If no progress, then we will start therapy. 

Last thing...
I got a mini van.  That is so weird to me, but I love the room.  Having 2 car seats left no extra seating in my car.  Now I have 2 extra seats in the back! 

That is my life in a nutshell right now.  Not very exciting to most, but to me it is.

It's the Little Things

I love hearing the word "tookie" which is how Aiden says cookie. He also will do the sign for it.

I love the sound of his voice when he says Mom or Abby.

I love that I get to see him run or climb the ladder to go down the slide.  He just starting walking a year ago.

I love when he runs up to give me a hug or go to his sister and give her a hug.  He didn't give hugs for a long time.

I love when I read a book to him and Abby at night, and when I am done he "reads" the book again.

I love seeing his face when he does something that he is proud of.

I love it that he will actually play with his cousin Louie.

I love that all these little things make me so proud to be Aiden's mom.  He is doing something new everyday, which to most wouldn't seem like that big of a deal, but for him it is a huge deal!

The Ups & Downs of Being a Single Mom

Being a single mom can be one the most rewarding and frustrating thing I have ever done.  I would never trade in being a mom for anything!  It is something I knew I was meant to be.  To hear that little man say mom, or that baby girl say ma-ma are a couple of the best sounds in the world.  Those two kids make each day worth living for.

Being a single mom, I am there for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING!  I work for my parents, so Aiden and Abby come to work with me everyday.  I am basically with them 24-7.  Aiden now is only there in the afternoons, but he has been going to work with me since he was born.  His dad was away working for the 1st year of his life, so it was just me and him, but I had the emotional support from Chris.  Having that type of support made him being over seas worth it.  Now, that type of support is not there, so I am truly a single mom.  I am there for every milestone, fall, stinky diaper...you get the idea, I am really there for everything.  I know many SAHM can relate to this.  I love being able to say I was there for all of their firsts.  I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.

The opposite side of the spectrum, is the frustrating part of being a single mom.  I don't have the emotional or physical support of a partner.  I rely on my parents for a lot, like being able to go to the grocery store by myself (one of my luxuries in life).  I am the good guy and the bad guy with the kids.  It is me, and only me.  Their dad ran off to work overseas again during the process of getting divorced, so I didn't have his help in raising our children, or even the birth of Abby.  It is also hard with Aiden having Autism, I deal with the meltdowns on my own.  That can be one of the hardest things, that is when emotional support would be most needed.  So when you see me and you say that I look tired, you know why now. 

Does the good outweigh the bad?  Yes.  My children have shaped me into the person that I am today.  They make me realize that maybe I am doing something right.  Those smiles and hugs are worth the price of gold to me.  I really can't wait to hear I love you mommy from one of them one day.  I bet any parent would say the same thing.  I might be a single parent, but it doesn't change the fact that I am a parent, and I am proud to say that I am raising two of my best accomplishments!

My Baby Turned 3!

Yesterday, Aiden turned 3 years old!  Where does that time go?  I know most parents will say the same thing, but it so true, once you have kids time just flies by, never slowing down.  It just seems like yesterday I was holding him for the first time in my arms.  It was love at first sight, that is for sure.  He and I have been through so many ups and downs together, more than a 3 year old should.  Through it all, he is still that sweet, loving adorable little boy.  He may be on the spectrum, but it makes him all the more special.  I am so lucky to have that little guy in my life!  Love you buddy!

Hurting

I have not written in awhile, but I have been going through a lot lately.  (I really don't like talking about all of this, but sometimes you just need to get it all out)Here is the back story...
I met Chris through a dating website in late February of 2009.  It was very casual at first, but then by May I knew I loved him.  We connected in so many ways, it actually scared me.  We never met face to face yet, he was working in Iraq.  We only communicated through E-mails, phone calls & Skype.  We finally met in June of 2009.  Let's just say sparks flew when we were finally together.  I got pregnant pretty much right away.  So it is safe to say that it was not a planned thing.  We were going to Vegas in August anyway, so Chris suggested that we just get married.  He wanted to ask me later that year anyway, so let's just do it now.  I did not want to at first, I did not want to get married just because I was pregnant, he soon convinced me otherwise.  We got married on August 7, 2009.  Everything was going good at first.  Chris had some back problems due to work in Iraq, so he could not work right away.  That really took a toll on him.  He finally got a part time seasonal job during Christmas.  By then things were not going good for us, Chris decided to leave me.  December 31, 2009 he packed up all of his stuff and left me a not and was off to the Quad Cities.  I was devastated, heartbroken, mad, sad and all of those things.  It was even worse because I was pregnant.  I thought that all I could do is file for divorce, which I did.  In March I had Aiden and also one of my two biggest regrets in my life.  I did not let Chris be there when Aiden was born.  I can never take that back and from the moment Chris came to see Aiden later that day, I regretted my decision.  Who am I to take away that gift of seeing your child come into this world?  Within the next month Chris and I started really talking again, and in that time I decided to not go through with the divorce.  I owed it Aiden and myself to try again.  Chris was working up in the Quad Cities by now and was also waiting to go over to Afghanistan to work.  He was down every weekend and some days during the week he just got up earlier to go to work, it was an hour and a half drive.  We were back on track.  He left on our Anniversary to go to Afghanistan.  He came home for a visit in November, and during that visit I became pregnant again.  I miscarried and had a DNC in January.  Chris got emergency leave and came home for me.  He was home for a week.  Two days before he was to go back we went out, my so called best friend decided to tell him that I was not faithful to him.  He had been drinking and so why wouldn't he believe her.  That broke me, I have never been unfaithful to him (and still to this day).  Let's just say it was a rough couple of days.  I have not talked to that friend since, I have no clue why she did not want my marriage to work.  Even though he finally realized she was lying, it was always in the back of his mind.  Chris finally came home for good in May of 2011.  We had a great summer with his kids and Aiden. (He has 3 other children)  I got pregnant again in June of 2011 and miscarried almost as quickly as I got pregnant.  Found out that I have a thyroid problem.  After our 2nd Anniversary I became pregnant with Abby.  Chris had a full time job in Peoria, all was great.  Then we started fighting...not a lot, but bad.  I started changing when I became pregnant, but I was pregnant so you know that I had no clue that I was changing, and then because of me Chris starting changing too.  We had some bad blow ups.  I couldn't take it anymore, so on January 1, 2012 I asked for a divorce.  Chris then said he was going to go back to Afghanistan (again).  We were divorced before St. Patrick's Day.  I still loved him, but I thought I was doing what was best for me and our children.  I did not want our children around the fighting.  I was upset that he was in Afghanistan again, and I hated that he was not going to be there when Abby was born.  That was his decision to go back over there and miss it, but I felt the regret for him.  I talked to him a lot.  After Abby was born Chris' Grandmother passed away.  He came home for a week.  I was there for him, hating that we were not together.  I then felt my other biggest regret in my life, divorcing Chris.  I couldn't tell him though.  When he came home around the 4th of July for leave, it was very different.  I barely saw him, so that meant the kids barely saw him either.  I found out after he went back that he was in a relationship.  My heart and stomach sank, how did he move on so quickly?  I know it took me knowing he was with someone else to tell him how I really felt.  He had no idea.  We began talking again, and he called things off with the other person and we both agreed to try again.  We both deserved one more chance.  We realized we do not do well together when I am pregnant.  We were not planning on having anymore, so I knew we could make it work this time.  He came home again in October for leave, and it was such a great but short time.  I knew what we were doing was right.  He was just home again at the beginning of February, and at times things seemed different with him, but then I knew he was jet lagged and trying to fit in a lot.  We had a good time again when he was home.  I missed him the moment he was gone.  He got back over there and things just seemed off, like he was distancing himself from me.  I really thought there was someone else, because he was acting like he did in July.  Then he tells me that he doesn't want to do this anymore.  I was heartbroken, why? I thought that if things were not going to work this time it would be a mutual decision, not a one-sided decision.  He thinks he is doing what is best for everyone, but he is doing what is best for him, just like I did when I asked for a divorce.  I wish I could make him see that he is making a mistake.  It is not fair to Aiden and Abby, they only see their parents together (even when we weren't).  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to move on, I know with everything that I am that I am supposed to be with him.  We would not have gone through all that we have.  We deserve this chance.  From my mistake I am losing the one I love and want to be with for the rest of my life.  There is no one better out there for me.  
Sorry this is SUPER long, but I really just needed to get this all out.  I hope I can stop hurting so much, I want to just curl up and die, but I have two reasons to keep me going each day, and for that I am thankful.
NOTE: The above mentioned so-called friend may not to be at fault. Something happened that night that we may never know, but it is besides the point of whose fault it is. The main point is that something was said and it made Chris not trust me, even though me cheating was 100% false.

The journey to a toddler bed

The day finally came in our household...the transition to the toddler bed.  Aiden is almost 3 years old, so I knew it was time, but for my own sanity, I was putting it off.  Two nights ago we converted that wonderful, beautiful container of a bed into a freedom bed for Aiden.  Aiden is autistic, so he really didn't understand why he was getting this different bed adorned with Jake and the Neverland Pirates.  I tried to tell him, but all he wanted to do was take the pillow off the bed.  It was then time for Aiden to go to bed.  I put him in there, and he actually stayed.  I said good night and shut the door.  I heard him get up once to try to open the door, but I put the child saftey door handle thing on the inside, so he wasn't able to open the door.  I waited an hour before I went in to check on him and to make sure he was in his bed.  I also needed to wait until Abby stoppped making noises (they share a room) so I knew she was asleep.  Low and behold he was asleep in his bed.  Last night he did get up 2 times at 1 in the morning, but I just shut the door after putting him back into bed the 2nd time.  I usually open their door before I go to bed, but he went back to sleep after trying to open the door.  I hope this continues, it has been pretty easy...so far.  We shall see!

My life, my world, my kids (Part 2 - Abby)

I became a mother for the second time when I was 35.  My beautiful baby girl, Abigail (Abby) was born in April of 2012.  Again, I was lucky, she was just as easy as her brother.  She like to be held a lot more than he ever did, but other than that she was exactly like her brother.  She is nine months now, and on the verge of crawling.  She rather look at her hero, Aiden, than crawl.  This is all new to me, a child hitting milestones in the time frame that they should.  Such a different experience for me.  I can't wait to see what she will do next.  This little girl has such a deep belly laugh and is super ticklish.  As soon as she started smiling, she hasn't stopped.  In fact, my dad calls her smiley.  She is my baby and my princess.  She just adores Aiden, even though he just started paying attention to her 3 months ago.  He likes to make her laugh, and she always does.  I love that little girl as much as her brother and that too grows everyday.

My life, my world, my kids (Part 1 - Aiden)

I never thought I would get the chance to become a mother, and at the age of 33, I had Aiden.  I got lucky, and I am the first to admit that I was, he was an EASY baby.  He slept well, ate well, and overall a happy and content little boy. One thing I noticed with him was that around 8 months, he still couldn't sit up, and that he couldn't bear weight on his legs.  We got testing done, lots of blood work, to come to find that he has Hypotonia.  Basically he has very low muscle tone, and come to find out it has to do with the brain, and not so much with his muscles.  We now had a few doctors for Aiden.  We had his genetic doctor, the doctor at Easter Seals, an eye doctor, a hearing specialist as well as his wonderful pediatrician.  Aiden started at Easter Seals when he was 10 months old in Physical Therapy with Shannon.  He loved and still loves going.  His milestones were different from other kids his age.  He learned to get to a sitting position at 11 1/2 months, crawl at 15 1/2 months, and the big one...walk at 23 months.  I can't thank Shannon (and Erica, when Shannon was on maternity leave) enough.  I am not sure where he would be today without his PT.  The summer after he turned 2, he started Speech Therapy with Terri and Occupational Therapy with Trista.  He is learning so much with the both of them too.  He has a huge speech delay, so Speech has made a world of difference.  Also that fall, in September, Aiden was diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum.  That has explained so much about him.  I will go into more detail later about that.  To sum it all up, I have a little boy that has brought so much joy to my life and the lives of others around him.  He is such a sweet and smart little boy.  I can't wait to see what he learns or does next.  I never thought I could love a little boy so much, but I do and that love grows every day.