Hurting

I have not written in awhile, but I have been going through a lot lately.  (I really don't like talking about all of this, but sometimes you just need to get it all out)Here is the back story...
I met Chris through a dating website in late February of 2009.  It was very casual at first, but then by May I knew I loved him.  We connected in so many ways, it actually scared me.  We never met face to face yet, he was working in Iraq.  We only communicated through E-mails, phone calls & Skype.  We finally met in June of 2009.  Let's just say sparks flew when we were finally together.  I got pregnant pretty much right away.  So it is safe to say that it was not a planned thing.  We were going to Vegas in August anyway, so Chris suggested that we just get married.  He wanted to ask me later that year anyway, so let's just do it now.  I did not want to at first, I did not want to get married just because I was pregnant, he soon convinced me otherwise.  We got married on August 7, 2009.  Everything was going good at first.  Chris had some back problems due to work in Iraq, so he could not work right away.  That really took a toll on him.  He finally got a part time seasonal job during Christmas.  By then things were not going good for us, Chris decided to leave me.  December 31, 2009 he packed up all of his stuff and left me a not and was off to the Quad Cities.  I was devastated, heartbroken, mad, sad and all of those things.  It was even worse because I was pregnant.  I thought that all I could do is file for divorce, which I did.  In March I had Aiden and also one of my two biggest regrets in my life.  I did not let Chris be there when Aiden was born.  I can never take that back and from the moment Chris came to see Aiden later that day, I regretted my decision.  Who am I to take away that gift of seeing your child come into this world?  Within the next month Chris and I started really talking again, and in that time I decided to not go through with the divorce.  I owed it Aiden and myself to try again.  Chris was working up in the Quad Cities by now and was also waiting to go over to Afghanistan to work.  He was down every weekend and some days during the week he just got up earlier to go to work, it was an hour and a half drive.  We were back on track.  He left on our Anniversary to go to Afghanistan.  He came home for a visit in November, and during that visit I became pregnant again.  I miscarried and had a DNC in January.  Chris got emergency leave and came home for me.  He was home for a week.  Two days before he was to go back we went out, my so called best friend decided to tell him that I was not faithful to him.  He had been drinking and so why wouldn't he believe her.  That broke me, I have never been unfaithful to him (and still to this day).  Let's just say it was a rough couple of days.  I have not talked to that friend since, I have no clue why she did not want my marriage to work.  Even though he finally realized she was lying, it was always in the back of his mind.  Chris finally came home for good in May of 2011.  We had a great summer with his kids and Aiden. (He has 3 other children)  I got pregnant again in June of 2011 and miscarried almost as quickly as I got pregnant.  Found out that I have a thyroid problem.  After our 2nd Anniversary I became pregnant with Abby.  Chris had a full time job in Peoria, all was great.  Then we started fighting...not a lot, but bad.  I started changing when I became pregnant, but I was pregnant so you know that I had no clue that I was changing, and then because of me Chris starting changing too.  We had some bad blow ups.  I couldn't take it anymore, so on January 1, 2012 I asked for a divorce.  Chris then said he was going to go back to Afghanistan (again).  We were divorced before St. Patrick's Day.  I still loved him, but I thought I was doing what was best for me and our children.  I did not want our children around the fighting.  I was upset that he was in Afghanistan again, and I hated that he was not going to be there when Abby was born.  That was his decision to go back over there and miss it, but I felt the regret for him.  I talked to him a lot.  After Abby was born Chris' Grandmother passed away.  He came home for a week.  I was there for him, hating that we were not together.  I then felt my other biggest regret in my life, divorcing Chris.  I couldn't tell him though.  When he came home around the 4th of July for leave, it was very different.  I barely saw him, so that meant the kids barely saw him either.  I found out after he went back that he was in a relationship.  My heart and stomach sank, how did he move on so quickly?  I know it took me knowing he was with someone else to tell him how I really felt.  He had no idea.  We began talking again, and he called things off with the other person and we both agreed to try again.  We both deserved one more chance.  We realized we do not do well together when I am pregnant.  We were not planning on having anymore, so I knew we could make it work this time.  He came home again in October for leave, and it was such a great but short time.  I knew what we were doing was right.  He was just home again at the beginning of February, and at times things seemed different with him, but then I knew he was jet lagged and trying to fit in a lot.  We had a good time again when he was home.  I missed him the moment he was gone.  He got back over there and things just seemed off, like he was distancing himself from me.  I really thought there was someone else, because he was acting like he did in July.  Then he tells me that he doesn't want to do this anymore.  I was heartbroken, why? I thought that if things were not going to work this time it would be a mutual decision, not a one-sided decision.  He thinks he is doing what is best for everyone, but he is doing what is best for him, just like I did when I asked for a divorce.  I wish I could make him see that he is making a mistake.  It is not fair to Aiden and Abby, they only see their parents together (even when we weren't).  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to move on, I know with everything that I am that I am supposed to be with him.  We would not have gone through all that we have.  We deserve this chance.  From my mistake I am losing the one I love and want to be with for the rest of my life.  There is no one better out there for me.  
Sorry this is SUPER long, but I really just needed to get this all out.  I hope I can stop hurting so much, I want to just curl up and die, but I have two reasons to keep me going each day, and for that I am thankful.
NOTE: The above mentioned so-called friend may not to be at fault. Something happened that night that we may never know, but it is besides the point of whose fault it is. The main point is that something was said and it made Chris not trust me, even though me cheating was 100% false.

The journey to a toddler bed

The day finally came in our household...the transition to the toddler bed.  Aiden is almost 3 years old, so I knew it was time, but for my own sanity, I was putting it off.  Two nights ago we converted that wonderful, beautiful container of a bed into a freedom bed for Aiden.  Aiden is autistic, so he really didn't understand why he was getting this different bed adorned with Jake and the Neverland Pirates.  I tried to tell him, but all he wanted to do was take the pillow off the bed.  It was then time for Aiden to go to bed.  I put him in there, and he actually stayed.  I said good night and shut the door.  I heard him get up once to try to open the door, but I put the child saftey door handle thing on the inside, so he wasn't able to open the door.  I waited an hour before I went in to check on him and to make sure he was in his bed.  I also needed to wait until Abby stoppped making noises (they share a room) so I knew she was asleep.  Low and behold he was asleep in his bed.  Last night he did get up 2 times at 1 in the morning, but I just shut the door after putting him back into bed the 2nd time.  I usually open their door before I go to bed, but he went back to sleep after trying to open the door.  I hope this continues, it has been pretty easy...so far.  We shall see!